This week

If I'm allowed to, I'd like to start this one with one thing that made me happy today. Today was quite a strange day actually and I feel strangely good, even though I am sad. It's like those times in which you simply turn off some switches in your head and things go.
Well, what I'd like to show you is this phrase!

tomo ni mou ichido tachiagare

It is quite stupid but I like to see the translation of the lyrics of this song. If it really translates as "Together, we'll rise up once again" is irrelevant. We only pay attention to what we want to pay attention, so it is set.
I was originally going to post many other things today (or maybe nothing at all), but I'm leaving the sad parts to later. I cannot turn off the switches that keep on venting anger. I keep on imagining scenes in my head that give me motives to explode. It happens normally actually, but now it bothers me a bit because we are in a critical situation.
I do not want to become one who blows things up like that when leaving. I believe that we must leave the fight with dignity and respect, unless the situation asks for something else. I don't believe the situation has asked for something else, we must leave and go on.
I... haven't worked much lately. I can only ask for forgiveness in that topic, but what I really wanted was a hug.
That looks pretty recurrent.
Perhaps from tomorrow on I will start on posting things to vent anger. Or loneliness. Or some other bad feeling, I am not a good person to know these things. I don't understand feelings very well, and I don't express very well. But perhaps writing we can get somewhere else.
I wanted to write a few stories. But they might get a bit big. And I might forget them sooner or later (I admit, I already forgot).


I think, I have started mimicking people around me. Does that mean I can be a person now?


One day, I will write a story as beautiful as yours, that one with the butterfly. But I have to polish these thoughts. I have to take off all the grudge that has taken over. Then maybe.

Over here

Call it cycles, but I think this is going beyond 2008
But it is just a cycle.
It has to be.

I'm feeling very bad sir, very bad.
It will pass. We can make through this.
I don't like to feel envious.
Then don't be.
But there's all these people...
It doesn't matter if they look happy. Outside the bubble everything is happy. Focus on your bubble.

This is ridiculous.

A worthy foe

This year I did not write anything to review the year. I did not thank my brothers. Not in the explicit textual way I've done in the past few years. I haven't done much I guess.
To be pretty straight to the point, this was the year I failed, and I failed, and failed, and then failed again. I had the feeling of writing something about for the last few days but everything is pretty much diluted in this bizarre sensation of tiredness.
Jeez, I've been tired for longer than I have ever been in my entire existence pre-2014. I don't know exactly why, but clues are flying all around. I wish I could say this year has finally ended, I wish I could say it is truly over and how horrid it was.
But I can't. It's hard to state a year as horrible considering you have everything in life. It's strange that sometimes it seems we are so focused in trying to find something bad that we start to accelerate decease of what's around us. Oh boy does it turn out as a fast change.
I gave a 7 out of 10 for the year. I can't complain. I have a job, I have family, friends, health.
The thing is, when you get these things, you perhaps lose something else.
This was the year my mind sunk.
And I didn't want to go back to the psychologist, I believe she did what had to be done with the other issues. This one has to be fought one-on-one. At least I insist so. I don't know how to summon others into the fray. I don't even know if that should really be done. I asked for help sometimes, but I don't know how to continue the quest for help. I don't want to bother people and I don't feel like I have the right to be complaining but at the same time I feel like I have to complain because I feel like exploding for a great part of the day. I am happy that at least when I tried to call for help I saw that there were people out there. I just wish I could have truly crawled out and raised my hand. But there's something else. There's always a catch.
I failed myself into the dream of developing games. That gave the final blow to what was called a low self-esteem. We have now ruins.
But I sometimes think that's a bit of an exaggeration. Though I don't know if the times I'm cheerful and calling people and laughing and doing everything aloud, I am really being what I should be. It may be a mask. Once chains are broken, we run for masks. Once masks get broken, we run.
It's funny when protectors seek out protection. It looks like a misplaced effort that begs to be called as ridiculous, and yet can't be stopped.
There are lots of things I would like to still say, and there are a lot of people I would like to look in the eyes. Even if I don't find the words that have to be said, if I can look into their eyes, that would be awesome.
I don't work as much as I say I do. I am falling behind. I had this great dream that failed to be realized and thus became an utter obsession. And whatever could once be called deception morphed into oppression, and now we have this.
This, sucks.
Still I can't stop it because it is the single only loneliest thing that can make me happy.
This was also the year I found out how easy it is to grab my chains and kneel me down. But, as everything that goes up has to go down, this was also the year I found out how massive can my derailment of reality become. It is almost as if "die trying" was hardcoded inside my head. It may not sound pretty but it is what holds it all when it has to crumble.
I also discovered how deranged has my head became in all these years, in the relationship field. I can't truly blame something, or someone. But it's scary to think that the maximum Vegas experience would be doing all that jazz with her by my side.
The problem is there is no her. As porn and Disney movies are claimed to be the devastators of relationships, for creating expectations that simply can't be real, something something devastated what could be her.
She is impossible to achieve, and thus it all bogs down. She is... awesome. I can't truly define how high as fuck expectations are. It's not just about expending money in Vegas, staying in a nice hotel and driving a Lamborghini (for 2 days of course, I haven't got that bizarre amount of money) with a girl. That looks quite nice, I can't deny. But there's the catch, she has to be nice, not just nice, she has to be awesome. And, she has to like me. And, I have to like her. Not just as in, I like you because you give me cake. Or as in I like you because you are a nice human being.
It scares me to think that I have considered asking anyone to go burn some money.
I guess this year only starts after the game is done. Then I won't feel that bad. But no worries, it will be ending soon. January 9th is the day.
The year wasn't bad. My head got bad. Once these bleak times pass, it will get better. It's a cycle, 2008 was disasterful, 2009 was among the best.
Someday I will even come here and write about the results of all the new year resolutions I wrote a few years ago.
I like to think about all these things with Frog's Theme on my head. He lost his friend, he got cursed. Yet, he still had himself.
And I ain't even got any close to that state of loss, so there's no game over.

For you to read

I am quite emotional lately.
It brings me tears when I see almost every image about the death Roberto Gómez Bolaños. It moves me when I hear songs from the The Gray Chapter. I never was much envolved with Slipknot, I just liked a few of their songs. But the emotion present in some these new album's songs makes me think.
And thinking like this scares the crap out of me.
I am afraid of not following my dream and ending like a dead veil full of regret. But am also afraid of following it and losing everyone around me. It requires balance.
I never had balance.
Probably never will.
It makes me weird when I look at Mike and remember about Bob. Mike is not Bob. It's strange. But I keep on thinking that this difference is what gives me the chance of being a better owner. This dog won't be abandoned.
I wanted to talk. I wanted a hug. I think I'm having a craving for caress that I haven't had for long. And I don't know how to react to that. But I also have a game to finish. I cannot give up.
I cannot stop now. Not now.
I promised to deliver ONE game this year. It's still 2014. There's still time.
But please read this one story (based on real life events).
 
 
18:02.
They aren't coming. I know they aren't. Well, I already knew they weren't coming anyway. Not like they have shown up last week also.
It's not that I am angry at them for this, I am just a bit sad because I like to have company while running. It makes the exercise flow easier, and when you notice, it is already time to pack your stuff and go eat somewhere. Exercise and food, awesome combination.
Well, let's run anyway. We'll be finished by seven.
These clouds...
Ominous clouds huh?
Yeah. I heard about rain somewhere nearby.
I just hope rain doesn't show up.
Why not?
Well. We are running. Aaaaand... I'm pretty sure you won't stop in case it rains...
For sure I won't. And I actually hope rain comes. It feels awesome to walk in the rain, and it's been so long since I last did it.
Fine.
...
So, what are your plans for the game now?
Not sure, I am a bit out of ideas and mechanics to think about. It's weird. I don't know if I am that tired or if development is finally coming to an end.
Perhaps the latter, the number of algorithms you have to come up with tend to lessen as the game gets more and more close to completion. At least so I hope.
It's a weird feeling isn't it? Not having so much to fix or create.
Well, it's a new thing for us I guess...
...
That's one big gray cloud dude.
Yeah, it sure is.
...
There aren't many people around this time, huh?
...
Whoa man! This feels awesome!
Yep, rain confirmed.
It's not a rain as in maaaaaan look at this raaaain, it's weak and feels kind of refreshing.
Refreshing?
I don't know the exact word, but it feels good. Easier to run.
Heh, it's funny to see these people running now.
There's still people around at least.
...
Now it's pretty rare to see someone huh?
Well most are waiting for the rain to fade away just a little bit...
It got stronger.
It sure did, feels good huh?
Yeah...
Reminds me of a few years ago, the moment we walked through heavy rain and didn't feel any fear. It was... a defining moment.
Putting it like that makes this rain looks pretty cool indeed.
Rain is cool, and there's barely any wind!
...
Dude, it's getting freakin' stronger.
It sure is.
What are we going to do?
What can we do other than keep running? There's no other way to get back to the car.
I guess so...
We'll finish the track just like we said we would. Wet or not, even if there's hail. We came here for this, we are going to do this. Stopping will only make us look weak and waste time.
Aye sir.
It's going to be fuckin' awesome.
...
Damn.
What?
I'm tired.
Well, your sneakers are way heavier now, and there's no part of you that's not wet, this is some serious storm now.
Still we go.
...
If it gets hard to move, remember you have hatred.
Yeah...
Think on all the things that make you angry, think about proving people wrong. It works outta here, it works in here. It always works.
...
It helps wonders indeed.
...
It's hard to breath.
Water is entering through your nose, man.
We have to fix this.
But don't stop running.
Ok.
...
Fixed.
Way better now.
...
Did you see that woman on a bycicle?
Yeah, funny ain't it?
Yeah, not used to have people talking to me here. That was nice.
It was different, but she looked like a funny person.
Well, she's riding a bike in the storm, even though she was under a roof.
Maybe she can't wait.
...
Dude.
...
I can't continue...
Come on, just a little bit more.
I want to, I just can't... I'm tired, I can't breath well, heavy rain doesn't help you run...
Hang on.
I'm hanging, but I want to close my eyes.
...
It feels so good to close my eyes...
...
Damn, I'm getting slower, legs are hurting now. Just a few more minutes...
...
A few more minutes...
...
Why don't we walk? We've already ran a lot and most people have given up, we kinda did it, didn't we?
No.
Look around man, it's cold and the rain's too heavy.
But you told me we would run even if the world ended in rain.
Maybe I overestimated myself.
Maybe.
So what?
Keep running. Because there's one thing I know.
What do you know?
I do know that somewhere, out there, I don't know exactly where, maybe above, maybe somewhere else, there's a dog looking at you. And he's happy. "Look! That's my owner", he's thinking. "The storm rages and he doesn't give up, he doesn't even show he cares about the storm".
Wh...
"And he won't stop running, 'cause I know he won't. 'Cause that's who my owner is."
Then we'll have to double the speed.
And double it again if it is not enough.
And think on something else if these legs feel like not handling the burden anymore.
Sure.
And the rain keeps getting heavier as we run faster.
It does, that's the challenge.


It contradicts much of what I believe in a religious aspect of life. But I still keep this belief. It's stupid, but it's one those things we carry with ourselves and make it easier.
I could achieve with some other thoughts, probably. But it was easier that way.
It's funny because I'm aware it doesn't make sense. It's funny because I still want to think it.

Control

It's funny to think about the answers to a few questions. Like, what are you planning to do? I don't know. Who am I? I'm not very sure I can answer that.
I've also been using "it's funny" too much.
It ain't exactly funny.
When we think too much it's not fun at all.
I'm not sure what should I be writing right now. This was a very... informative night I guess. Why are we different people when in the presence of different people? Should we be the same always?
I've been thinking about stories to tell. One specifically designed for a flight situation. But it just gets too cheesy to come out. The ones that stand out are more horror-friendly.
I won't be following most of the advices I'll receive these times. But I like to hear 'em, I really do. I feel like my words are crumbling just like my face. Maybe I just need some sleep. Someday I will sleep and it will all be fine. Maybe some ultra fancy hotel, with those very expensive sheets and whatever else they can technologically enhance in a bed. That sounds good. I'll probably have learned how to take of my appearance by then.


But while we are here, and I am really glad you are here, I'd like to tell you about something I did a few days ago.
I shall call it, the Rose Hunt Day.
It all started a few years ago with an idea, but that's not very important right now. We got some flowers, 10 of them, to be exact. They were pretty, red roses aren't my thing but at least we chose them in a way to pick what we felt as the prettiest available.
We went there by car, it took a while because the traffic wasn't the best, and we were... a little bit lost. But being lost during a journey is a great part of the journey, in many aspects of the word great.
It felt... strangely good.
I expected it to feel good actually, since it was supposed to be a good deed. And they say doing good things make you feel good inside. Feeling good inside means at least that you're not so empty.
We delivered roses to 10 random people, some who asked, and some who were the main targets of the plan. The initial main targets were people who were alone and felt sad, or at least felt like they could use a rose. It ended up as being just alone and looking like would like to receive a random rose from random strangers in an ordinary night. Albeit some minor mishaps, which were mostly caused by my inability to be a social being, it was an outstanding success. I hope we can go for some more Rose Hunts. I hope the project can be expanded to more than once a month. I hope it is for good.
It sucks to take a glance at the possibility of an empty and desperate act of receiving gratefulness just to feel less negative.
But let's stop being so negative.


Sometimes we feel like we are raging psychos, doomed to remain in one mind.
I can't feel like you do.
I can't demonstrate feelings like you do.
I can't act like you do.
And I am confused.
It feels like showing happiness in ways that could be condemned as shameful or reckless is the right thing.
How do we achieve right?


Second confession.
I've considered buying some kick ass tee shirts for people. I think that's a truly desperate attempt at getting attention.
Hope you would like receiving that shirt.
But don't worry, I control.
Everything is under control.
Control is everything.

Glass

I felt angry today. Not sure exactly what should have been done. Not sure if there was actually something that should have been done. I guess the big fucking problem is that I don't feel sure about anything.
I really wish things were different. I don't think I'll ever be someone with an attitude. I'm stuck to the dilemma, hating and protecting will end by driving me mad.
I'm not sure what is the purpose of writing here now. Maybe it will just help me sleep. But I've been sleeping quite fine lately, sure, sometimes it takes a few hours, but it's already way better than on remote times.
Also not sure about the next steps. I just know that these types of discussions are stupid and we're just hurting each other for no reason. Perhaps then there some things I'm sure...
I'm also sure that we could develop something great, really really great, but you need to get calm, you need to focus. Choose a goal and go for it, it's better than feeling aimless. I know you can, now I need to make sure that you know you can.
I was never, and never will be, someone who unites people or takes some kind of lead, the few examples in history that can give a hint of such behaviour are just too full of conditions and exceptions. I was never a true leader for the circle, in fact, I needed them much more than they needed me, for whatever reasons.
I feel like running away from the topic.
Just remember, the only way of winning something sometime, is trying so fucking hard that even failure becomes surprised, and then, it's all yours.

Alone becomes a lot

We are alone again.
It feels... funny, I guess. It's scary and makes you feel pretty lost, but, I'm not sure I can say it's better than the first time, or at least ok.
You survive one, you survive a thousand.
I know, guess that's true.

We have so much to do... so much to do... I'm sorry if my permanent grinning scares you. But it feels so good to be free... I have so much work to do.

Do you think we will be not alone again?
Maybe, I don't think that's something we should bother with. It's like, changeable if you do other things, you can't change it facing it straight. Gotta go through other ways, and then, maybe.
Ok.
And remember, you are never alone.
Never?
Never. You got yourself, deep down in your head, even when there seems to be nothing left, you're still there.
But being one is being alone.
Only if you wish silence. There's no better company than ourselves if we can face a mirror. And if you can't, no companion in this world will save you. They can help you, but you are the one putting that hand out of the well and choosing to come out.
That looks good.
Yes... sadly it's easier said than done.
Well, we're still here and it's time to sleep, and we have been able to sleep quite okay lately, so it's something.
Haha, we can brag about sleeping I guess.
Sure! And, the sky is still there.
That's so old...
But holds true.
Wise point, my friend.
Thanks.


Strange thoughts roam around. There's revenge, efficiency and soothing going rampant. I'm not scared I guess. It just feels, weird. Can you tell me a story? I like the ones where we get happy endings, or at least open endings that don't feel like all hope is gone. It helps me to sleep.