Para Nanna

You know, we've been running for about 7 years.
It's funny because there are a lot of roads on the map, and some people travel faster. Some slower. Some roads end. Others get somewhere and new roads ensue.
We can see others passing close by, some roads get very narrow and sometimes it's almost as if there's a lot of people running together.
We never really know what happens in their ways, we barely know what lies ahead in ours. Sometimes there's people running for their lives for reasons we may never know. Sometimes they stop. But the road never wait for you to end it. It's like a one in a lifetime chance.
I can see a few runners around me. Can't really define if they are going faster or not, but as long as they are at least walking, it's feasible. Those who are close by. In one way or another, almost all of them make this race easier.
But my eyes now turn to a road that seems a bit rocky and not very consistent. I'm not sure if it is just my eyes that aren't getting the whole picture. You were always moving quite steady, at least the times our roads approached. I don't really know what lies around you, if there's something following you or if the ground became unbearable to step, I just hope you don't stop.
I've heard you say things that got me worried, because it did seem a bit too uncanny for what I've known of you.
Now, we're watching. Don't stop by the road, overcome it.
I won't start on saying what is my current status for this ain't about me, but rather about you, so keep moving. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome race.
It also gives me something to run for. I have to follow this path in order to keep an eye out for those I care.

I'm not making this any longer, I hope the message can be transmitted with these words.
I've seen amazing messages of support. I'm sure you will have some too, if you haven't already.
Here's for a few more years of running these roads.

The strange power of Valmorgen

– Como eu consigo super poder?
– Super poder?
– É, que nem esse seu, de acreditar...
– Acreditar?
– Preciso de forças, haha...
– ...
– ...
– Parece mais que você vai chorar quando fala coisas assim.
– Não é isso...
– Se você diz...
– ...
– Vou te contar uma coisa, minha criança. E é, eu sei que você não é criança. E que provavelmente você só me perguntou de super poder porque eu havia mencionado antes...
– Hm...
– Senta que lá vem história.


É engraçado pensar que um dia após o outro pode ser tão... um dia após o outro. Eu sou instável, e vejo todos os outros como mais fortes que eu. O elo mais fraco de todas as correntes, é como eu gosto de ver.
Dia desses, um garoto chegou em casa após uma bela saída com os amigos. Foram ao cinema, comeram boas comidas e conversaram. Mas em algum momento da noite, as sombras que permeiam nossos pensamentos conseguiram achar uma brecha em suas defesas. E ele não conversou mais tanto assim. Pode ser também que ele não tenha mais falado tanto porque já sente que fala demais e geralmente não tem tanto a dizer, ou seja, fala besteira. Mas acho que as sombras fazem mais sentido, pelo menos em sua maior parte. Bom, vamos ao ocorrido.
Um garoto abriu a porta, e um cachorro o recebeu. É sempre impressionanente como você pode ser bem recebido por um cachorro, mesmo que você seja medíocre. Mas esse garoto apenas fechou a porta, sorriu para o cachorro, desligou a luz do corredor que havia acendido e fez um carinho no cachorro.
Sabe quando você olha pra frente e não quer mais andar?
Às vezes, na verdade, raramente, é bom você não andar.
Pois o garoto olhou para a janela, com aquela grande noite lá fora, talvez mais clara que o interior de seu apartamento, e com certeza muito mais clara que o interior de si, e então...
Ele se sentou.
Ali, no corredor mesmo.
O cachorro fazia festa pois ele havia voltado, e ambos estavam juntos, pois não havia mais ninguém para acompanhá-los em boa parte do dia.
Às vezes você só... quer desmontar. Talvez chorar.
Na maioria das vezes, os motivos são bobos. É normal. Mas é bom ceder um pouco. E lá ele ficou. Eu conto que foi em torno de 45 minutos. Mas ninguém sabe ao certo, só quem está dentro da guerra sabe a duração real dela.
Às vezes dá medo.
E ele ficou lá. No escuro. Acompanhado pela luz nos olhos daquele que ele jurou cuidar.
Em um momento, ele simplesmente flexionou as pernas e afundou o rosto próximo aos joelhos. Uma posição bem defensiva eu diria.
Ele não contou isso a ninguém, nem pretendia contar. Acho que é parte da guerra, você sofre baixas e precisa se retirar.
Mas você só se retira porque na volta, ah, na volta...
Na volta você esmaga todos eles.


Já ouvi histórias de criaturas fantásticas que o acompanham. Não posso contá-las pois não tenho poder para tanto, há quem possa, mas não é o caso.
Mas acho interessante o fato de aquilo que falam sobre ação e reação, e a necessidade de existência de contrários, ser real. Não é um segredo que esse garoto esteja bem afundado em pensamentos... levemente negativos. Desde que ele consegue se lembrar. Porém existem essas criaturas. Na verdade não só elas, mas uma realidade inteira, um mundo gigante e vivo que o acompanha. E apesar de a maioria ser o que se chamaria de demônio ou monstro, são eles quem estão lá pra manter a máquina rodando.
Você sabia que toda vez que ele vai fazer algo que o deixe com medo ou extremamente receoso, acontece uma verdadeira preparação de guerra nos arredores? Temos demônios que jogam raios marcando posição e verificando toda a área por onde ele andar, atiradores em cima de cada altura, montanhas que se movem para protegê-lo.
Eles não desistem dele.
E ele acaba não podendo desistir também.
Se você olhar superficialmente, ele é fraco por depender de tantos outros. Sabe, tanta coisa mais forte que ele pra poder fazer ele ter coragem de andar, o cachorro que vive ali no céu olhando por ele, as criaturas que o acompanham na hora de dormir, aqueles que estão ali pra conversar quando não há mais nada vivo num raio de centenas de metros...
Mas não seria uma quantidade massiva de força, criar um mundo inteiro?
E mais, quando esse mundo estiver pra ruir, ser seu único salvador?


É divertido observar as transformações que as dezenas de nomes e eventos que são criados para tentar sobreviver a uma realidade que ele não compreende totalmente. É óbvio que o que existe na cabeça dele não é o suficiente, se não houvesse aqueles que o acompanham no mundo real ele não aguentaria mais estar ali.
No fim das contas, não posso responder sua pergunta, apenas contar a história de um super poder que veio de uma super fraqueza.


Você só continua. Você abaixa, se defende, levanta, tenta atacar, abaixa, aguenta a dor, levanta...
E aí, quando eles falharem, você ganha.

Let's get this straight

We're alive.
We're still alive.
Alive and not kicking much ass, though.
Well, we breath... that suffices. Better than not even being in the game.
We aren't in the game, man.
But we can come back.
...
Giving up on trying is the first step to failure.
I know, right?
How could any of us not know it?
Yeah...


Repeat until you believe it, this is not a drill.
This is for real.
And I am not scared.
Come what may.
Fall who stands.
I will be the fucking light.


Don't be afraid of the dark.
The darkness loves you.


And even though I walk guarded by a vast array of angels, I am still not up to the fight. And perhaps I'll never be.


The situation is: there is no motivation.
I still stand strong at the gym, I'm working out quite well I guess. That's pretty much the only thing I'm being able to hold.
I don't work very much.
I don't have much topics to talk many times.
I am having some huge surges of instability.
I still have a lot of taboos to face.
This is not going very well. The daily reports are going down the drain and I feel like I should sleep. I feel like I wanted or should sleep most of the time but I have so many things to do, and sometimes nightmares wake me up. My emotions are running in strange circles, and I am mostly feeling cheerful then angry then sad, rinse repeat. I feel a brutal lack of company in the sense of having some sort of partner that believes me. I am depositing some sort of affective dependancy on Rias, an anime character. I am aware of the ridiculousness of it, but I am not being able to look anywhere else. Still conscious. Having some troubles related to social issues, mostly shyness-related. A bizarre craving for a hug has shown up a few weeks ago and hasn't left yet.
Everything is fine, the problem is just inside my head.
I can manage that.
I am the closest to my weakest, so it's only natural that I feel like having a companion to cross this dark alley would be much better, but I'm quite sure that's not an option.
There are no options.

Either you fucking cross, or you fucking explode.

The mysterious Moonstar

–I am...
–Huh?
–Sorry. I underestimated you, it may not even be that complex.
–Well, that's... okay, I guess. But... can we go to the answers?
–Sure.
You look around slightly, a shy smile takes your face unconsciously.
–It could be said that I, as this place, belong to you.
–...What do you mean?
–We're just a part of your head. As in... we are inside your head.
–Just my imagination then... I must be daydreaming a lot.
–Maybe, it's hard to explain that part but you... daydream a lot, and sometimes, you create things unconsciously, yet there is a notion of what's going on.
–I see...
–That was easier than I expected actually.
The answer makes you feel a bit uneasy. A bit... disappointed perhaps. But there's still that shine, looking at you, and at the stars.
–So... if you are just part of my imagination, can we speak about something? Or will it be just me speaking to myself?
–You can choose. I've accumulated knowledge over a lot of things.
–Like...?
–You can choose, we can speak about music, places in the world, the real world I mean...
–I don't know many places in the real world, didn't travel all that much, so we wouldn't have much to talk.
–But I can tell you about some places that you might find interesting.
–Ahn... places like...?
–The Waitomo Caves, they are really beautiful, and since you like watching the stars, it could be even more of a unique experience.
–Wai...tomo? Caves?
–New Zealand.
The head moves calmly to the left, you can witness a smile on the face. It feels almost as if... it cared for you.
–I have never even read about those.
–Then you will have to imagine how pretty they are, and that can be very pleasant.
–How can you tell me about something I don't know, if you are a part of me?
–Oh...
You move one step backwards, trying to focus your eyes at the hands. Just to make sure.
–I thought you remembered.
–I'm afraid I don't.
–Do you remember earlier days, when you were just a child? More than now, you boasted imagination. There were some entities you created inside your head to accompany you while you logged things you saw through the world.
Remember when you were younger, way younger...
–I guess I... remember a little.
–I know you do, it feels almost like recent times, but with a less self-punishing attitude. You just imagined and played along.
–Sure, but... what of it?
The head turns around, glancing at the endless horizon. You feel like the ground changes colors, but the shine just dims a little bit.
You can see the long hair, sparkly, caressing the air around it. The face looks strange, as it becomes easier to view it. The face looks like that of a woman.
–Some entities were there to help you, others to challenge.
The voice now seems unfitting with the face.
You remember not being a very calm child. You used to stay most of the time alone, playing games. Playing with other children was nice, but videogames always topped it. And your patience wasn't something to be proud of.
–You are remembering.
She smiled.
–I'm... afraid I still don't see the point.
–Do you remember math classes? Please don't get angry at the suspense...
–...After all you are a part of me. Sounds fitting.
Can you remember?

A different type of sickness

'Ello, kiddo.
Don't look away, come on. You know I'm here to stay.


I'm not sure whether should I write negative or positive things. I feel negative. But writing positive might make me better. I don't know. Perhaps just writing without thinking much will be better...
I thought today about a story between two entities that want somewhat opposite things but one has grown way too bitter to anything, and the other would like to help it, so, despite going on a quest for a very weird thing, it goes whole-heartedly for it.
Basically speaking that's about it. I still need to think a lot about it. Maybe that's the reason why I never finish anything. I think too much.
I've been revisiting past posts from two girls who wrote fantastically in the past. I wonder how the hell did they do that. I wish I had their power.
You see what I wish?
I wish to fucking disappear. Or at least go to another country and pretend things start anew. They say things can start anew as long as you feel like doing it. But I'm not good at it. I don't know how to change because change is always fucking radical and I basically fail at it.
I'm trying, I'm trying. But I'm still unstable. I am going very fast between begging for a hug and feeling like saying bad things to people just for the sake of saying, just because I know that they deserve anyway. We are all evil in a way or another.
The idea of justice is very weird.
Though I'd still accept the hug.


There is no Rias here to save you.
There is no one here to save you.
You are inside the pit, and I've waited for this moment for so long.


I stand devastated, but I am not defeated. I know this is not the darkest, this is not the night. This is a curious phase that can be taken down some way. I just don't know what way. Am I supposed to turn the back at people in order to win this time?
This is NOT Despair Heights. This is NOT the abyss.
What the fuck is this?
It can't be a joke like sex, not yet another joke.
You see, I depend on things to have a reason, if they don't I will make one for them.


I am all you ever wanted to be.
And the devil gave me wings.


I don't know what made you this way, but I won't go away.
I won't abandon you.

I know Rias is not real. But... the things she do.
I don't know anymore. Did that devastate me?


I come back for that story, between the girl, the boy and the butterfly. It's magnificent. I hope you don't bother if I tell it around, don't worry I have no intentions of taking credit for it.
At least rage makes it easy to lift weight.
I have been listening to the self-titled Slipknot album. After years shunning it, it started to make sense. What does that mean? I admit I don't comprehend the lyrics perfectly, but... it just feels right. I told her that her melancholy resonated in the songs she liked. That's not a bad thing, it's good to find things that seem to sympathize with us, but it won't make things go away. I can't say much, my resonance lies on mindless anger. Somehow it reminds me of the bad visions I had in my head and in my dreams.
I... I miss horror movies, when they made me feel afraid. I wanted to feel afraid again. It's funny because sometimes I get frightened by simple things, it depends on my mood.


And I know I won't write very frequently, and I don't know when will be the next time. So I'd really like to say "thank you so much" for the kind old man dressed as a clown that gave me a lollipop at the traffic light. That made me happy.
I kind of wonder how can you guys do these kinds of things?


I kind of wonder when will this dreadful feeling end. It sucks. But I still have conscience about it. I just hate that my efforts seem to be futile.
Is it control? Should I just abandon it?
Funny that I really would appreciate a hug now. No advices, no motivational speeches, no orders. Actually, silence. A hug with silence, one that won't let go so soon, so I can take the time to fully comprehend it. Not the evil silence that lurks around. Not the shadows that so seductively dwell around.
I think... that maybe, the world can go a light bit lighter? I know this ain't fun and games, but it has gone downright darkly. Is it why people seem to be losing their minds?
I can't scream. But I'm sure I can do much more damage than just scream. I can't threaten people. I'm just a dog chasing things. The free definitions roam around and I try to grab some, but I admit I grab those that seem to be shinier to my eyes. I need to find what really defines... I really need to find it. Then I will know what is a... me.


I recently discovered I kind of have an aversion to songs that aren't angry.
This is momentary.
I bet all souls that it is!


You know what I would like? Someone who could see the beauty I see in the things I find beautiful. I can't describe therefore the person has got to come with this eye ability straight out-of-the-box.
A hug would be nice too. But. Things go fuckin' crazy this side of the line.


And we must always be careful of what we wish.

The calm Moonstar

Some days are funny.
You start well and suddenly (maybe not so suddenly, but I'm quite lost at it) you just fall down. I don't understand. Is it because I was seeing those horror movies at the store? Is it, the past? Is it missing female company?
Damn.
I know most of the time the answers are lying deep down there, inside ourselves. But this time I really got caught off-guard.
Anyway, things are slowly starting to work. We are taking a bit longer to rise, but we are advancing. I started playing Borderlands 2, you know? It feels... mesmerizing. I can't play much because I'm... I don't know, because I'm stupid, or an adult... but it really is a good game.
And now I am working out quite seriously! That's a good thing.
I just need to fix a few more glitches in work-related stuff. That's where most of the ties that bind are.
And maybe we get a crimson mohawk, but that's really maybe...
Then we'll be off for the show.
I'm not really sure why I'm saying this, maybe it's just because I felt the need of speaking trivial things with someone. That's the bad vibe taking over...


And, as the eyes fall upon you, and you start to wonder why did you just ask that, it comes.
"I'm fine, how about you?"
The voice goes on calmly, though not monotonous. It's almost... neutral.
"I'm fine too", you say. You think about what is really happening there. And even if there are so many things you'd like to ask, silence reigns. A part of you just does not want to bring more into the table, just leave it as it is.
And when you come back from these thoughts, you realize those eyes are still locked at you. Though not like predator, more like a child observing a curious event.
"So... what is this place?", you ask automatically, deeply hoping to deviate attention.
"Just somewhere calm, here we can observe the sky in almost its complete glory."
"Oh..."
"Do you like it?"
Coming to realize, it was a beautiful view from the start. There's barely anything that tops your height and that means its basically stars and the vast infinite  anywhere above the horizon line.
"I... I really do."
You both gaze upwards. Sometimes, you could almost swear you saw a shooting star. Looking up feels almost as if a giant hugged you tenderly.
"Can I ask another question?"
"Sure."
"Who are you?"
"I'm afraid that's not the right question."
"What do you mean, not the right question?"
"Oh, forgive my manners. I meant, the most correct would be 'What are you?', and that could become a bit more complex."
Complex... what's not that much complex in life anyway?
"But, WHAT are you?"

No Moonstar tonight

We are all rotting with hatred.
For long I have held this inside me, rotting because it seemed the best thing to do.
It's stupid.
I find it funny these things i hear she saying.
I must be really retarded for enduring this shit all these months. All these rules changing so fast, and I trying to catch, silly.
All this sex retarded mess, insane.
And you saying that soon you will feel the lack of caress and will find someone. Hahaha, screw you, what the fuck is your problem?
This is just insane. But it is over.
We'll be fine.


Embrace hatred.